Our ego exists for a purpose. It was there to keep us alive at a young age and has continued to try to protect us all of these years. It’s like the dragon that people talking about slaying, but why would you kill your protector?

Tame it, don’t slay it. As you make plans for the new year, your ego might get really squirmy if anything sounds too big, too different, too uncomfortable. This is often what gets in the way of successful and long-lasting resolutions to change behavior.

I have zero scientific evidence for this but I do have almost twenty years of sobriety and have worked with thousands of women in recovery over two decades, each of us trying to change major aspects of our life on a regular basis, even after we become sober. You see, sobriety isn’t a goal we achieve and then we are done. It’s a process of recovering from the thinking, the behaviors, the false narratives, the patterns which we developed before we even started drinking alcoholically.

What I’ve learned is if we can work with the ego, not against it; if we can befriend it and even learn to love what it has done for us up until now, and assure it that we are going to be safe throughout the process, our chances of success will increase. Create accountability checkpoints, develop a process where you can still feel nurtured and comforted amidst the pain of change. Because let’s be real, it’s easy to talk about changing or quitting or becoming someone new, but on the other side of that is work. The greater your desired change, the deeper the ravine is you will be walking through.

A few things help me when I’m in that valley of darkness. First, it gets quicker the more you do this and don’t forget you can always go back to the old life if what’s on the other side of this doesn’t work for you. Second, continue to remind yourself (and your ego) that you’re not going to die. Third, when I want to quit I think of something I heard once: what if the miracle is only 11 steps away? I picture the outcome I want being right around the corner of my journey and that makes it feel easier to keep going.

You know when you’re cleaning the garage or a closet with lots of stuff. In the middle of the project it looks pretty bad. This is not when you quit. It’s the same with inner change. You will be pulling things out, deciding what to do with them, letting them go or finding a home for them where they can be honored for the purpose they serve.

As you cultivate real change in your life through this process, it helps to learn how to be more discerning. First discern when your ego is talking or running the show and when it’s actually you - your essence, your spirit, maybe a higher power that can guide you, which has no ego but is made of pure love. Both can work together, but be sure you are running your life. Same goes for other people - reflect on who you have been trusting with the truth of your life. When you agree with others to feel connected or friendly (remember, ego wants you to be safe and comfortable in the familiar), but it goes against the change you are seeking for yourself, that will create a confusing message internally.

Recap. A few simple tweaks you can make today to have a higher chance of success with your desired change in the coming year:

• Build safety into change. Create accountability and support so your nervous system doesn’t feel abandoned while you’re doing hard things.
• Don’t fight your ego. Acknowledge what it’s protected you from and invite it to walk with you through change instead of trying to overpower it.
• Expect the messy middle. The discomfort doesn’t mean it’s not working; it often means you’re right on track.
• Keep going when you want to quit. The outcome you’re hoping for may be closer than you think.